The chief of staff of the...

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

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Top Ways The Army ...

Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

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12-mile march...

12-mile marchI was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was ademanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end wouldever come.?Men,? our sergeant yelled, ?You`re doing a FINE job. We`ve already covered four miles!?Revitalized, we picked up the pace.?And,? continued Sarge, ?we should reach the starting point any minute now.?

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How Army policy began

How Army policy beganThis is how Army policy all begins...Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.Now, turn off the cold water.Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?"Because that`s the way it`s always been around here."That`s how Army policy begins...

 

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That`s Not ItA general ...

That`s Not ItA general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That`s not it" and put it down again.This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That`s it."

Two men were boasting...

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
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US Army private ...

US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, ?How long has your present employer been in business?? He thought for a moment, and then wrote, ?Since 1776.?

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Getting Closer...

Getting CloserOur son is in the Army, stationed in Georgia. He invited my husband and I for a visit.After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We`re getting closer.""How do you know?" I asked.He pointed to a sign that read:Sonny`s Bar-B-QTank Parking Available

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Lovely Girl...

Lovely GirlAn Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. ?Turn the car around,? he ordered.The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.?Driver,? said the major, ?you`d be a total loss in an emergency.??I thought I did pretty well,? the driver said. ?That was my girl.?

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Army officer training...

Army officer training schoolIn this particular branch of the Army`s officer training school, the instructorwas returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number.In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. ?Four-seven-seven-zero?? he asked.?Here,? replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.?Seven-zero-seven-five?? asked the instructor.?Here,? repeated the student, gearing for trouble.?I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier,? spoke the teacher.?That`s right, sir,? answered our hero. ?I have a nick-number.?

An Israeli soldier who just ...

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

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A Stuck Army Jeep...

A Stuck Army JeepDuring an Army war game a commanding officer?s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck."Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we?ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn?t contribute in any way."The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

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The trip to the rifle ...

The trip to the rifle range had been canceledAt one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for thesecond year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.One soldier mused, ?Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn`t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run??

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My Wife`s Expecting...

My Wife`s ExpectingA young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting.""Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife`s expecting."The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed."Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting.""What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer."Me." said the soldier simply.

 

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Why do you want to ...

Why do you want to join the NavyHaving passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, ?Why do you want to join the Navy, son???My father said it`d be a good idea, sir.??Oh? And what does your father do???He`s in the Army, sir.?

An Israeli soldier who...

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

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Army Cadet...

Army CadetA drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you`ll come and dance on my grave."The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I`d never stand in another line!"

Chow TimeOne of my ...

Chow TimeOne of my husband`s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"Checking to see that he had everyone`s attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

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Murphy`s Laws Of Combat...

Murphy`s Laws Of Combat: If the enemy is in range, so are you.Incoming fire has the right of way.Don`t look conspicuous, it draws fire.There is always a way.The easy way is always mined.Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.Professionals are predictable, it`s the amateurs that are dangerous.The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you`re ready for them. b. When you`re not ready for them.Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.If you can`t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won`t be able to get out.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.When you have secured an area, don`t forget to tell the enemy.Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

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Joining the ArmyAs the family ...

Joining the ArmyAs the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter`soffice.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handlethis new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn`t really do that, did you?""You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

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